In the midst of Hell chocolate still tastes like Heaven

OK...the thing they don't tell you when you have Gastric Bypass...is that not everyone has dumping syndrome from fat and sugar. Everyone is different...and as you get past that first six months or so of manic good behavior...you start to experiment with what you used to eat and what you love to eat, and what you can still eat. And sadly you can discover like I did...that the Universe...God, whoever your maker is...has a deep, ironic sens of humor...and you realize you were put here to figure this out...not to take short cuts. I am a sugar addict...carb addict, and there's no bones about it...can't get around it...no surgery in the world can help it.

So you're thinking...just quit eating sugar...get it out of the house...for your sake and your son's sake get it out...but I hate that. I hate the idea that in order for me to control myself, I have to remove something. I grew up that way...all it made me do was binge whenever I did get a chance to eat it at a friends house or whatever. I don't want Cole to grow up that way.

For now I've got the candy in a tin at the top of the pantry. I can get it and Cole knows he can ask for it...but as far as I'm concerned it's out of sight and mind. The other challenges I face are fast food and cutting back on it.

Exercise...well I haven't made it a priority cause I hate it. I have ordered a Quigong dvd which is like Tai Chi...I'm hoping if I can feel positive energy about it I'll enjoy movement. For now the stairs are still my main exercise and swimming occasionally with Cole. When Miles was here I walked a little with him. But now he's gone, so that's not really an option. I need to dance, or get out in nature, or something...because treadmills suck. Are these just excuses? Maybe...but I have to find something I enjoy or it's not going to work.

This year has been painful both literally and figuratively. I've gone through a crappy divorce...still am waiting on that. I have decided to share custody of my son to avoid a fight for his sake, but it's ripping me apart emotionally. I shared support with a loving boyfriend and we both helped each other to get out of bad situations, but once we got together...we realized we aren't what the other truly needs...so that is sucking. My job...though it's with one of the best companies in the world...is not fulfilling in many ways...so I've decided to go back to school.

Oh and a few weeks ago I was hit from behind in an accident and hurt my neck and shoulder...and my car was totaled, so I'm back to the mini van, taking physical therapy, and hoping that I get better soon.

The only one true constant that keeps popping back to my brain is I need to figure out how to put myself first physically and emotionally. I need to learn to buffer myself from negative energy at work, in the world, and still feel connected. I need to dig deep and find out why I don't think I'm worth taking care of...worth my own attention and love. As I told Cat in an email...you have to figure out what drives you to eat and destroy yourself...no matter what...that journey will need to happen with the help of loved ones, therapy, and a lot of self work...meditation, prayer, tears....all of it.

I have hope still. Much love.
Mary

Valentine's Day Torture

Okay... Day four on the recovery train, and I have to say that I have been tortured. My husband decided last night that he needed to make cupcakes for my son's class. On top of that, he made chicken marsala which is my favorite. My husband and I are not on the greatest of terms...so I'm wondering how much of this is subliminally torture. So I hid in my room drinking yummy crystal light and broth...woohoo! On top of it all, Cole is running in with candy bags for his class. You'd think after having your guts rearranged, you wouldn't have a desire for this stuff...WRONG!. The infamous HEAD HUNGER you've read about is insidious. It's the feeling of course like you want something, but in your stomach you know you couldn't eat it if you wanted to. I mean your stomach is bursting at this point from a few sips of water, but your mind is craving all those delicious foods that used to make you feel good, feel full, feel better. My biggest struggle with food is emotional eating. In the coming months, along with chronicaling my journey with gastric bypass surgery, I'm also going to journal about my internal struggle with overcoming emotional hunger. I recently got a good book called, Eating in the Light of the Moon, by Anita Johnston, PH.D. The book uses myth and metaphor, along with solid therapeutical approaches to teach people how to identify their problems with food an emotional eating. Here's a link to the book:Eating by the Light of the Moon

This week the focus of course is getting in fluids so I don't dehydrate. I managed 44 oz Wednesday, and 55 oz yesterday. Today (Friday), I'm trying to focus on both hydration and protein. I started out with a protein bullet, which are these big test tubes with this juice that tastes like jello water. They are thick and sweet, so I recommend cutting them with an ice cube to keep them cold and a little watered down while you drink them. They are worth the trouble... 42 g of protein in one shot. The rest of the day I'm alternating between drinking/eating something with protein and then drinking a glass of water. Another good trick is taking a sugar free pudding and mixing with half a scoop of Any Whey flavorless protein powder. It tastes ok, and boosts the protein content of the pudding to like 16 g. Very cool.

I haven't had to take my pain medicine much. My mom who is a nurse recommends I take a half dose morning and evening to deal with the overall discomfort. I wouldn't so much describe it as pain, so much as an uncomfortable pulling sensation. Also I've noticed when I'm stressed out, my stomach hurts instantly....so if you can protect yourself from stress in these early days of recovery for sure.

I have the book from http://www.bariatriceating.com called Before and After. The book is pretty good at answering questions you have about gastric bypass and also has a ton of recipes. My goal next week on my second week in recovery is to make a couple recipes from this book. Next week if all goes well in my post op visit I'll be able to start on soft foods. My goal is to be varied and not get stuck in a rut. I'm going to learn to eat fish more, and not be lazy about cooking.

Well, back to sipping my water....