In the midst of Hell chocolate still tastes like Heaven

OK...the thing they don't tell you when you have Gastric Bypass...is that not everyone has dumping syndrome from fat and sugar. Everyone is different...and as you get past that first six months or so of manic good behavior...you start to experiment with what you used to eat and what you love to eat, and what you can still eat. And sadly you can discover like I did...that the Universe...God, whoever your maker is...has a deep, ironic sens of humor...and you realize you were put here to figure this out...not to take short cuts. I am a sugar addict...carb addict, and there's no bones about it...can't get around it...no surgery in the world can help it.

So you're thinking...just quit eating sugar...get it out of the house...for your sake and your son's sake get it out...but I hate that. I hate the idea that in order for me to control myself, I have to remove something. I grew up that way...all it made me do was binge whenever I did get a chance to eat it at a friends house or whatever. I don't want Cole to grow up that way.

For now I've got the candy in a tin at the top of the pantry. I can get it and Cole knows he can ask for it...but as far as I'm concerned it's out of sight and mind. The other challenges I face are fast food and cutting back on it.

Exercise...well I haven't made it a priority cause I hate it. I have ordered a Quigong dvd which is like Tai Chi...I'm hoping if I can feel positive energy about it I'll enjoy movement. For now the stairs are still my main exercise and swimming occasionally with Cole. When Miles was here I walked a little with him. But now he's gone, so that's not really an option. I need to dance, or get out in nature, or something...because treadmills suck. Are these just excuses? Maybe...but I have to find something I enjoy or it's not going to work.

This year has been painful both literally and figuratively. I've gone through a crappy divorce...still am waiting on that. I have decided to share custody of my son to avoid a fight for his sake, but it's ripping me apart emotionally. I shared support with a loving boyfriend and we both helped each other to get out of bad situations, but once we got together...we realized we aren't what the other truly needs...so that is sucking. My job...though it's with one of the best companies in the world...is not fulfilling in many ways...so I've decided to go back to school.

Oh and a few weeks ago I was hit from behind in an accident and hurt my neck and shoulder...and my car was totaled, so I'm back to the mini van, taking physical therapy, and hoping that I get better soon.

The only one true constant that keeps popping back to my brain is I need to figure out how to put myself first physically and emotionally. I need to learn to buffer myself from negative energy at work, in the world, and still feel connected. I need to dig deep and find out why I don't think I'm worth taking care of...worth my own attention and love. As I told Cat in an email...you have to figure out what drives you to eat and destroy yourself...no matter what...that journey will need to happen with the help of loved ones, therapy, and a lot of self work...meditation, prayer, tears....all of it.

I have hope still. Much love.
Mary

Weight Watchers

I haven't been the best at eating great things or keeping track, though I'm making a renewed effort. I had my first meeting in three weeks (cole was sick the past two mondays). I lost 1.5 lbs...wooohooo! Actually before my workshop last week, my weight was down about 3 lbs, but eating crap for three days under stress has its net effects. I'm hoping to get those back this week. 

Last night I did some floor exercises...I was able to do 100 crunches, plus other toning exercises that would have hurt before, so it made me feel like I've definitely accomplished something. Exercise is a very funny thing for me...something about my peasants' body interprets it as a threat and makes me slow down or not lose weight at all. I swear I should be studied...my metabolism goes against all that's natural. 

I have been researching the complications of stress and cortisol levels in the blood. Cortisol is released from stress and worrying...something I have big problems with. I read about a supplement called phosphatidyl serine, so I'm giving it a try twice a day. It's supposed to help control the negative effects of cortisol.  I know I'm onto something with this. I'm also working on stress levels with meditation and journaling, mindfulness techniques.  I know it can only help.

Weight watchers is a good thing...if it only keeps me honest. I have to weigh in, and I do find I'm getting more comfortable with being in groups and sharing. I used to be a real commitment phobe rebel, and would quit group stuff after a few weeks. I'm determined to stick with this one as a life support means of making this surgery "stick". I have to give it to myself as a means of healing all that is fubared between my genetic hand me downs from hell and my own neurotic issues that make me make self destructive choices.  

Rambling over...carry on...