Pregnancy and Post Gastric Bypass

Being post gastric bypass and pregnant is a little scary. An update is certainly necessary since August 10, 2010. I found out shortly after my last post that I'm expecting a baby in April!! It's safe for me to have a baby now, because it's been more than two year's since my surgery. However, it doesn't change how much I worry about the weight gain. I have monitored it closely, and so far I'm doing pretty well. I've only gained about 16 lbs in the first six months. My doctors say I'm all on track. I had one doctor give me a hard time after I gained a few pounds in a month, and I informed the practice not only that I didn't want to see that doctor again, but that future doctors needed to make sure they read my chart. With a history of anxiety and depression, they really needed to be more sensitive, and unless it was a health issue for myself or the baby...leave the weigh thing alone. Obviously I worry about it enough.


My strategy is just to keep as active as possible, walking the dog daily, climbing the stairs (I live on the fourth floor), and biking/doing tai chi a few times a week. That seems to be helping me so far...at least from blowing up like a big balloon.

My biggest concern is after the baby (his name is Jack) is born, and how to go back to a proper "pouch test" mode...like for a month, replace two meals with protein drinks. That seems to be my best strategy.

I'm also working on implementing some things I've learned in psychology classes for grad school to apply to my issues with exercise. Working with a therapist, I'm delving into the "self efficacy" I should feel about moving and taking care of my body. Self efficacy is more than motivation, but the intrinsic belief that you can do something and keep doing it. If I can find the part of me that drives that belief, then hopefully I can embrace movement.

I have posted a pregnancy journal over on the ThinnerTimes website, where you can read the progression of weeks and what I went through:
Mary's Post Gastric Bypass Pregnancy Journal

I'll probably post more right after the baby is born...let you know how I get on with exercise and post pregnancy weight loss.
Mary K.

Two and a Half Years Out- Slipping and Sliding

Well, this has been a challenging, yet wonderful year. I got divorced, went through a custody change that nearly killed me, but it came out great in the end (I kept my son), and I got remarried. All while working in a hugely stressful job with a nightmare rotation of one boss after the other which got worse to the point that I now work for the Anti-Christ.

How has all this impacted me physically?

Well, initially last fall, I went through a rough patch with my fiance, and I lost another 10 lbs, which was pretty awesome. Then we made up, he moved over here, and things were great. Well....great times build complacency. Cuddling in bed snacking on chex mix and eating crap in general, along with stress and no exercise = I gained 30 lbs!!!

The reality of the weight gain is pressing on me emotionally and de-motivates me even more. I have still not found the desire to incorporate enough exercise into my day/week to the point where I lose weight. My sugar addiction does not wane...even when I tried self hypnosis. Behavior modification is my only hope. This is the ultimate irony...because as I know my surgical pouch has naturally stretched in the past two years...I still am at square 1 with the mental challenges of dealing with food.

I just started graduate school this fall, and I'm going to be a licensed counselor. I want to help other people, but I know first I need to help myself...something along the lines of physician heal thyself...

So I got the Bible of behavioral programs according to my research, it's called Self Directed Behavior by David L. Watson, and Roland G. Tharp. I'm hoping by following a good behavior modification program, joining my local gastric bypass support group, and participating in online support groups like: http://www.thinnertimesforum.com/gastric-bypass-forums/

that I can finally turn the corner in the right direction. Maybe if I finally "get" it, then eventually when I'm a counselor I can help others get it. One of the biggest mistakes in gastric bypass surgery practice is the lack of help/focus given to both pre-op and post-op psychological help. Research I've read about obesity shows that people who have problems with weight and food need a life time program of behavioral change and support. If you don't have that, then you are destined to regress.

I'm hoping to post more this year as I go through a number of changes, and hopefully successes in modifying my own behavior. Here are some recent pics to help you see where I'm at physically:

Recent Pic

In the midst of Hell chocolate still tastes like Heaven

OK...the thing they don't tell you when you have Gastric Bypass...is that not everyone has dumping syndrome from fat and sugar. Everyone is different...and as you get past that first six months or so of manic good behavior...you start to experiment with what you used to eat and what you love to eat, and what you can still eat. And sadly you can discover like I did...that the Universe...God, whoever your maker is...has a deep, ironic sens of humor...and you realize you were put here to figure this out...not to take short cuts. I am a sugar addict...carb addict, and there's no bones about it...can't get around it...no surgery in the world can help it.

So you're thinking...just quit eating sugar...get it out of the house...for your sake and your son's sake get it out...but I hate that. I hate the idea that in order for me to control myself, I have to remove something. I grew up that way...all it made me do was binge whenever I did get a chance to eat it at a friends house or whatever. I don't want Cole to grow up that way.

For now I've got the candy in a tin at the top of the pantry. I can get it and Cole knows he can ask for it...but as far as I'm concerned it's out of sight and mind. The other challenges I face are fast food and cutting back on it.

Exercise...well I haven't made it a priority cause I hate it. I have ordered a Quigong dvd which is like Tai Chi...I'm hoping if I can feel positive energy about it I'll enjoy movement. For now the stairs are still my main exercise and swimming occasionally with Cole. When Miles was here I walked a little with him. But now he's gone, so that's not really an option. I need to dance, or get out in nature, or something...because treadmills suck. Are these just excuses? Maybe...but I have to find something I enjoy or it's not going to work.

This year has been painful both literally and figuratively. I've gone through a crappy divorce...still am waiting on that. I have decided to share custody of my son to avoid a fight for his sake, but it's ripping me apart emotionally. I shared support with a loving boyfriend and we both helped each other to get out of bad situations, but once we got together...we realized we aren't what the other truly needs...so that is sucking. My job...though it's with one of the best companies in the world...is not fulfilling in many ways...so I've decided to go back to school.

Oh and a few weeks ago I was hit from behind in an accident and hurt my neck and shoulder...and my car was totaled, so I'm back to the mini van, taking physical therapy, and hoping that I get better soon.

The only one true constant that keeps popping back to my brain is I need to figure out how to put myself first physically and emotionally. I need to learn to buffer myself from negative energy at work, in the world, and still feel connected. I need to dig deep and find out why I don't think I'm worth taking care of...worth my own attention and love. As I told Cat in an email...you have to figure out what drives you to eat and destroy yourself...no matter what...that journey will need to happen with the help of loved ones, therapy, and a lot of self work...meditation, prayer, tears....all of it.

I have hope still. Much love.
Mary

Stuck..sigh...but ok

I've been stuck at pretty much the same weight for a few months now. I know now I've got to change more somehow to push things down closer to my ultimate goal which is about 50 lbs away. I know I need more exercise, and I need to do better at my cutting sugar/fast food from my diet. 

I had a weak moment the other day at work and indulged in a pop tart. My boss who is a health nut skinny freak saw me and grabbed the pop tart and read the ingredients in front of my colleagues. It was embarassing and I wanted to hit him or something. I think even though I've had gastric bypass...I'm still human. Sometimes a fat free yogurt or handful of nuts isn't going to taste as good or make me feel as good as a poptart. I know that the pop tart is junk...but I also know sometimes you just have to eat the damn poptart. 

After Lent I had a brief lapse of sanity when my boyfriend brought me all kinds of goodies from England. Of course I had to try them, and stuff from Cole's Easter basket, and there was the fact I was on vacation and eating tons of foods I normally wouldn't. So I fell off the wagon...so to speak. 

However, I'm trying again. Now that it's warming up we're going out more to the park, and moving more, which is my goal this year....fun playing frisbee, walking with Cole while he scooters, swinging on the playground swings, playing basketball....it's fun now that it doesn't hurt.

I went to the circus and sat in those stadium seats and was actually comfortable for two hours and didn't feel like I was taking up any of the personal space of the person next to me...now that's an effing triumph after 10 years as a morbidly obese person.

I just have to keep reminding myself of these small victories when I get down about my weakneses with sugar. Nobody's perfect, and as I read on First Ourselves the other day, beating ourselves up is just an excuse to continue behaviors we're not proud of....no more beating myself up...just trying to take better care. 

Weight Watchers Again...Sugar Sucks

Deep down in my heart of hearts, I know that the slowing down of my weight loss is due to one thing...sugar. Sugar is an addiction for me, and sadly not just sugar, but all refined carbs (potatoes, rice, bread, pasta...sigh). One huge disappointment regarding my surgery was that I did not develop dumping syndrome with sugars...only fats. This means I can eat pretty much any sugary substance (candy, cookies, you name it) with no negative impact.

So it's back to mind over matter. It's back to trying to find other ways to sooth the soul besides comfort foods and sweets. I'm trying relaxation cd's since most of my eating is due to stress...CHECK THIS ONE OUT...it's awesome:
http://www.relaxintuit.com/tape.asp

This cd just works...the voice, the music, the imagery, almost hypnotic...totally relieves the worst stress...and I can tell you I have the worst stress ever.

I've also given up sugar for Lent. In an effort to try to follow something of the Lent season, I chose to just give up sugar entirely for a limited time. Cole has decided to do it with me, which makes it a little easier. We didn't throw out the candy in the house, just moved it up a couple shelves in the pantry out of site.

The shocking result...that totally validates everything and all my suspicions about my sugar addiction is that in the first 5 days off sugar I dropped 4 lbs. And in the second week now, I'm down another 3 lbs. I went back to Weight Watchers last week (since the one at work ended, now I"m going to one at the community center). I was quite triumphant as I was able to show those 4lbs down on my first visit woohoo.

So what to do after Lent is over...that's the big question. Miles is coming to visit bringing yummy British chocolate Easter Eggs, and I'm wondering...how can I make a change without feeling like the sweetness of my life is totally over. Because frankly, when most of your times are dark...the sweet taste of chocolate, though fleeting does lift the soul a bit (and the seratonin levels).

I don't have an answer now...I've got like 31 days left to think about it. I'm wondering if I can box in the consumption of it to one day a week or something like that. Is it possible to have a little without falling off the wagon entirely...I'm not sure.

I found an excellent support site though for people trying to get off sugar and take care of themselves:
http://www.firstourselves.com/first_ourselves/2008/01/how-to-give-up.html

I'm hoping to conquer the addiction, yet still be able to have the stuff around for the sake of those in my house who shouldn't be deprived due to my weaknesses.
We shall see!

The other interesting aspect of post gastric bypass and diet is that I feel compelled to tell people at weight watchers that I'm post surgical. I know people judge me as maybe being a "cheater" amongst them, since my stomach is small. But I figure I'm also there as public outreach on behalf of post ops, because I want to dispell the belief that the surgery is easy, that it solves everything, that it's strictly aesthetic. Hopefully people will see my struggle and understand that the surgery doesn't fix your head, your addictions, your need for comfort, so many things are left 'unfixed'.

I'm working on all that stuff :-)

Almost one year...a victory

One week to go and I'll be at my one year anniversary...but I have to say today I felt the true impact of WHY I had this surgery.

I've been depressed for like two months because I've been having problems with a tooth, requiring  a root canal, a crown, and now I have to have it extracted and have implants which cost a fortune. So, I've been on pain meds and feeling down in general...

Then, today...it was beautiful and unseasonably warm...all day long Cole kept begging to go outside, but I was tired, in pain, and the last thing I wanted to do was move. But finally I got the motivation to take Cole to the playground at his school. We played basketball, and I felt the benefits of losing nearly 100 lbs...I could move without fear, without pain, and I could laugh and enjoy physical activity with my son.

But the really awesome part was when I sat in a swing next to Cole...that it didn't hurt or I wasn't afraid that I would break the swing...and as I pushed the swing higher and looked over at Cole who was laughing his head off...I knew I'd reached a level of success that this surgery was meant to bring me...LIFE. I was living my life in the moment, enjoying every second, feeling free, feeling happy and knowing that this was absolutely the right decision for me.

I've been struggling to get to 100lbs by this Friday...but even if I don't make it...I know I did make it...and I'm going to keep going...roller coasters this summer at Cedar Point...who knows..the sky is the limit :-)