In the midst of Hell chocolate still tastes like Heaven

OK...the thing they don't tell you when you have Gastric Bypass...is that not everyone has dumping syndrome from fat and sugar. Everyone is different...and as you get past that first six months or so of manic good behavior...you start to experiment with what you used to eat and what you love to eat, and what you can still eat. And sadly you can discover like I did...that the Universe...God, whoever your maker is...has a deep, ironic sens of humor...and you realize you were put here to figure this out...not to take short cuts. I am a sugar addict...carb addict, and there's no bones about it...can't get around it...no surgery in the world can help it.

So you're thinking...just quit eating sugar...get it out of the house...for your sake and your son's sake get it out...but I hate that. I hate the idea that in order for me to control myself, I have to remove something. I grew up that way...all it made me do was binge whenever I did get a chance to eat it at a friends house or whatever. I don't want Cole to grow up that way.

For now I've got the candy in a tin at the top of the pantry. I can get it and Cole knows he can ask for it...but as far as I'm concerned it's out of sight and mind. The other challenges I face are fast food and cutting back on it.

Exercise...well I haven't made it a priority cause I hate it. I have ordered a Quigong dvd which is like Tai Chi...I'm hoping if I can feel positive energy about it I'll enjoy movement. For now the stairs are still my main exercise and swimming occasionally with Cole. When Miles was here I walked a little with him. But now he's gone, so that's not really an option. I need to dance, or get out in nature, or something...because treadmills suck. Are these just excuses? Maybe...but I have to find something I enjoy or it's not going to work.

This year has been painful both literally and figuratively. I've gone through a crappy divorce...still am waiting on that. I have decided to share custody of my son to avoid a fight for his sake, but it's ripping me apart emotionally. I shared support with a loving boyfriend and we both helped each other to get out of bad situations, but once we got together...we realized we aren't what the other truly needs...so that is sucking. My job...though it's with one of the best companies in the world...is not fulfilling in many ways...so I've decided to go back to school.

Oh and a few weeks ago I was hit from behind in an accident and hurt my neck and shoulder...and my car was totaled, so I'm back to the mini van, taking physical therapy, and hoping that I get better soon.

The only one true constant that keeps popping back to my brain is I need to figure out how to put myself first physically and emotionally. I need to learn to buffer myself from negative energy at work, in the world, and still feel connected. I need to dig deep and find out why I don't think I'm worth taking care of...worth my own attention and love. As I told Cat in an email...you have to figure out what drives you to eat and destroy yourself...no matter what...that journey will need to happen with the help of loved ones, therapy, and a lot of self work...meditation, prayer, tears....all of it.

I have hope still. Much love.
Mary

Stuck..sigh...but ok

I've been stuck at pretty much the same weight for a few months now. I know now I've got to change more somehow to push things down closer to my ultimate goal which is about 50 lbs away. I know I need more exercise, and I need to do better at my cutting sugar/fast food from my diet. 

I had a weak moment the other day at work and indulged in a pop tart. My boss who is a health nut skinny freak saw me and grabbed the pop tart and read the ingredients in front of my colleagues. It was embarassing and I wanted to hit him or something. I think even though I've had gastric bypass...I'm still human. Sometimes a fat free yogurt or handful of nuts isn't going to taste as good or make me feel as good as a poptart. I know that the pop tart is junk...but I also know sometimes you just have to eat the damn poptart. 

After Lent I had a brief lapse of sanity when my boyfriend brought me all kinds of goodies from England. Of course I had to try them, and stuff from Cole's Easter basket, and there was the fact I was on vacation and eating tons of foods I normally wouldn't. So I fell off the wagon...so to speak. 

However, I'm trying again. Now that it's warming up we're going out more to the park, and moving more, which is my goal this year....fun playing frisbee, walking with Cole while he scooters, swinging on the playground swings, playing basketball....it's fun now that it doesn't hurt.

I went to the circus and sat in those stadium seats and was actually comfortable for two hours and didn't feel like I was taking up any of the personal space of the person next to me...now that's an effing triumph after 10 years as a morbidly obese person.

I just have to keep reminding myself of these small victories when I get down about my weakneses with sugar. Nobody's perfect, and as I read on First Ourselves the other day, beating ourselves up is just an excuse to continue behaviors we're not proud of....no more beating myself up...just trying to take better care. 

Weight Watchers Again...Sugar Sucks

Deep down in my heart of hearts, I know that the slowing down of my weight loss is due to one thing...sugar. Sugar is an addiction for me, and sadly not just sugar, but all refined carbs (potatoes, rice, bread, pasta...sigh). One huge disappointment regarding my surgery was that I did not develop dumping syndrome with sugars...only fats. This means I can eat pretty much any sugary substance (candy, cookies, you name it) with no negative impact.

So it's back to mind over matter. It's back to trying to find other ways to sooth the soul besides comfort foods and sweets. I'm trying relaxation cd's since most of my eating is due to stress...CHECK THIS ONE OUT...it's awesome:
http://www.relaxintuit.com/tape.asp

This cd just works...the voice, the music, the imagery, almost hypnotic...totally relieves the worst stress...and I can tell you I have the worst stress ever.

I've also given up sugar for Lent. In an effort to try to follow something of the Lent season, I chose to just give up sugar entirely for a limited time. Cole has decided to do it with me, which makes it a little easier. We didn't throw out the candy in the house, just moved it up a couple shelves in the pantry out of site.

The shocking result...that totally validates everything and all my suspicions about my sugar addiction is that in the first 5 days off sugar I dropped 4 lbs. And in the second week now, I'm down another 3 lbs. I went back to Weight Watchers last week (since the one at work ended, now I"m going to one at the community center). I was quite triumphant as I was able to show those 4lbs down on my first visit woohoo.

So what to do after Lent is over...that's the big question. Miles is coming to visit bringing yummy British chocolate Easter Eggs, and I'm wondering...how can I make a change without feeling like the sweetness of my life is totally over. Because frankly, when most of your times are dark...the sweet taste of chocolate, though fleeting does lift the soul a bit (and the seratonin levels).

I don't have an answer now...I've got like 31 days left to think about it. I'm wondering if I can box in the consumption of it to one day a week or something like that. Is it possible to have a little without falling off the wagon entirely...I'm not sure.

I found an excellent support site though for people trying to get off sugar and take care of themselves:
http://www.firstourselves.com/first_ourselves/2008/01/how-to-give-up.html

I'm hoping to conquer the addiction, yet still be able to have the stuff around for the sake of those in my house who shouldn't be deprived due to my weaknesses.
We shall see!

The other interesting aspect of post gastric bypass and diet is that I feel compelled to tell people at weight watchers that I'm post surgical. I know people judge me as maybe being a "cheater" amongst them, since my stomach is small. But I figure I'm also there as public outreach on behalf of post ops, because I want to dispell the belief that the surgery is easy, that it solves everything, that it's strictly aesthetic. Hopefully people will see my struggle and understand that the surgery doesn't fix your head, your addictions, your need for comfort, so many things are left 'unfixed'.

I'm working on all that stuff :-)

Almost one year...a victory

One week to go and I'll be at my one year anniversary...but I have to say today I felt the true impact of WHY I had this surgery.

I've been depressed for like two months because I've been having problems with a tooth, requiring  a root canal, a crown, and now I have to have it extracted and have implants which cost a fortune. So, I've been on pain meds and feeling down in general...

Then, today...it was beautiful and unseasonably warm...all day long Cole kept begging to go outside, but I was tired, in pain, and the last thing I wanted to do was move. But finally I got the motivation to take Cole to the playground at his school. We played basketball, and I felt the benefits of losing nearly 100 lbs...I could move without fear, without pain, and I could laugh and enjoy physical activity with my son.

But the really awesome part was when I sat in a swing next to Cole...that it didn't hurt or I wasn't afraid that I would break the swing...and as I pushed the swing higher and looked over at Cole who was laughing his head off...I knew I'd reached a level of success that this surgery was meant to bring me...LIFE. I was living my life in the moment, enjoying every second, feeling free, feeling happy and knowing that this was absolutely the right decision for me.

I've been struggling to get to 100lbs by this Friday...but even if I don't make it...I know I did make it...and I'm going to keep going...roller coasters this summer at Cedar Point...who knows..the sky is the limit :-)

Weight Watchers

I haven't been the best at eating great things or keeping track, though I'm making a renewed effort. I had my first meeting in three weeks (cole was sick the past two mondays). I lost 1.5 lbs...wooohooo! Actually before my workshop last week, my weight was down about 3 lbs, but eating crap for three days under stress has its net effects. I'm hoping to get those back this week. 

Last night I did some floor exercises...I was able to do 100 crunches, plus other toning exercises that would have hurt before, so it made me feel like I've definitely accomplished something. Exercise is a very funny thing for me...something about my peasants' body interprets it as a threat and makes me slow down or not lose weight at all. I swear I should be studied...my metabolism goes against all that's natural. 

I have been researching the complications of stress and cortisol levels in the blood. Cortisol is released from stress and worrying...something I have big problems with. I read about a supplement called phosphatidyl serine, so I'm giving it a try twice a day. It's supposed to help control the negative effects of cortisol.  I know I'm onto something with this. I'm also working on stress levels with meditation and journaling, mindfulness techniques.  I know it can only help.

Weight watchers is a good thing...if it only keeps me honest. I have to weigh in, and I do find I'm getting more comfortable with being in groups and sharing. I used to be a real commitment phobe rebel, and would quit group stuff after a few weeks. I'm determined to stick with this one as a life support means of making this surgery "stick". I have to give it to myself as a means of healing all that is fubared between my genetic hand me downs from hell and my own neurotic issues that make me make self destructive choices.  

Rambling over...carry on...

10 MonthsPost Op

I just got a comment about not updating this in a long while. Originally I had hoped it to be monthly, but I have fallen down as you can see. 

Reality of the gastric bypass surgery that your surgeon warns you about has hit me. I haven't lost any weight in over a month. I've plateaued at about 83 lbs. My stomach now holds about 1 cup of food, and due to the fact that I haven't worked the program as well as I could, I've slowed down in my weight loss.

In an effort to improve my food choices and add more accountability, I've joined weight watchers at work. However, I'll warn anyone doing this with gastric bypass it's depressing the first few weeks. It's depressing because everyone else experiences a major change/cut back in their food, but you're basically given the amount of food you're used to eating...so it is harder. I'm not sure the point system works so well with post gastric bypass folks, and unfortunately my leader has no experience.

My biggest struggle is sugar. I'm not affected negatively in the least by it...so unfortunately these holidays have been hard. I'm also a sugar addict of sorts because I use it to feel better. These are changes that I have to make on my own...no surgery will ever help me.  I also know that I'm drawn to sugar for physical reasons because I have problems with seratonin in my brain.  I've been reading a lot about the effect of stress on cortisol levels, and how they increase insulin in the blood stream, and thus makes the consumption of more and more carbs necessary to feel any impact on energy levels. 

This has been the most stressful year of my life. When I went to decide on having the surgery, my therapist of three years said I should probably choose between my separation/divorce and the surgery and not do both. I felt like I'd gone to far in the process and needed to finish the surgery and try to improve my health. However, going through a separation, divorce, moving to a new city, changing jobs to one of the hardest jobs of my life, and finding a new love have made for some amazingly wild times. I've been guilty of mindless, careless eating. The sole benefit of the surgery for me at this point is that it limits how much I can eat.

Now I must make the changes in my life to lower my stress, decrease my sugar consumption, carb consumption, and hopefully continue my weight loss. I'm a little more than halfway to my goal. I know the next 60 lbs are going to be a fight...and it might take me a couple years to get there, but life happens, and we have to be ready to forgive ourselves for our imperfect coping mechanisms. Hopefully with awareness, more accountability, and the support of loving friends and family, I'll get there.

Thanksgiving was a miracle. First time I ever couldn't finish one plate of food on this holiday!

Update- 6 months Post Op

Well, I haven't been great about this blog..because, well life happens:-) New job, divorcing, new life...but at the heart of it all is my health...which is hopefully improving. I had to get a new surgeon since I moved too far from my old one. The new surgeon is nice, a Dr. Elariny, one of the best gastric bypass surgeons in the country. At my six month checkup they looked at all my bloodwork...looks like I'm only low in vitamin D (calcium) and my cholesterol is high. I'm not sure how that's possible other than I do eat a lot of meat. Considering the choices, I'd rather have high cholesterol than lose my hair or muscles.

I haven't really started a regular exercise program. Living on the fourth floor in my new apartment building seems to be a great passive exercise program. My energy levels are starting to pick up, so I'm hoping to do more.

I'm also going to see the nutritionist in October, so I'm hoping to get a little better with my protein choices before I meet her. Cut back on eating out, and do more fish and seafood. It's a no brainer really.

As far as side effects from the surgery...loose skin...sigh...I am hoping to have another baby in the next two years, but after that we're talking major nip tuck. I'm lucky I have a boyfriend who loves me no matter what, but as I see the skin sagging, it does impact my positive feelings after the surgery. But no matter what I've lost 80lbs...nothing to sniff at after six months...only 80 more to go...halfway there.

I haven't really had the courage for a full body shot...maybe soon, but here's a recent shot of me with my new hair cut I got to try to camouflage my hair thinning. I've started taking Biotin in hopes that it will boost my hair growth. We shall see...