Deep down in my heart of hearts, I know that the slowing down of my weight loss is due to one thing...sugar. Sugar is an addiction for me, and sadly not just sugar, but all refined carbs (potatoes, rice, bread, pasta...sigh). One huge disappointment regarding my surgery was that I did not develop dumping syndrome with sugars...only fats. This means I can eat pretty much any sugary substance (candy, cookies, you name it) with no negative impact.
So it's back to mind over matter. It's back to trying to find other ways to sooth the soul besides comfort foods and sweets. I'm trying relaxation cd's since most of my eating is due to stress...CHECK THIS ONE OUT...it's awesome:
http://www.relaxintuit.com/tape.asp
This cd just works...the voice, the music, the imagery, almost hypnotic...totally relieves the worst stress...and I can tell you I have the worst stress ever.
I've also given up sugar for Lent. In an effort to try to follow something of the Lent season, I chose to just give up sugar entirely for a limited time. Cole has decided to do it with me, which makes it a little easier. We didn't throw out the candy in the house, just moved it up a couple shelves in the pantry out of site.
The shocking result...that totally validates everything and all my suspicions about my sugar addiction is that in the first 5 days off sugar I dropped 4 lbs. And in the second week now, I'm down another 3 lbs. I went back to Weight Watchers last week (since the one at work ended, now I"m going to one at the community center). I was quite triumphant as I was able to show those 4lbs down on my first visit woohoo.
So what to do after Lent is over...that's the big question. Miles is coming to visit bringing yummy British chocolate Easter Eggs, and I'm wondering...how can I make a change without feeling like the sweetness of my life is totally over. Because frankly, when most of your times are dark...the sweet taste of chocolate, though fleeting does lift the soul a bit (and the seratonin levels).
I don't have an answer now...I've got like 31 days left to think about it. I'm wondering if I can box in the consumption of it to one day a week or something like that. Is it possible to have a little without falling off the wagon entirely...I'm not sure.
I found an excellent support site though for people trying to get off sugar and take care of themselves:
http://www.firstourselves.com/first_ourselves/2008/01/how-to-give-up.html
I'm hoping to conquer the addiction, yet still be able to have the stuff around for the sake of those in my house who shouldn't be deprived due to my weaknesses.
We shall see!
The other interesting aspect of post gastric bypass and diet is that I feel compelled to tell people at weight watchers that I'm post surgical. I know people judge me as maybe being a "cheater" amongst them, since my stomach is small. But I figure I'm also there as public outreach on behalf of post ops, because I want to dispell the belief that the surgery is easy, that it solves everything, that it's strictly aesthetic. Hopefully people will see my struggle and understand that the surgery doesn't fix your head, your addictions, your need for comfort, so many things are left 'unfixed'.
I'm working on all that stuff :-)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Almost one year...a victory
One week to go and I'll be at my one year anniversary...but I have to say today I felt the true impact of WHY I had this surgery.
I've been depressed for like two months because I've been having problems with a tooth, requiring a root canal, a crown, and now I have to have it extracted and have implants which cost a fortune. So, I've been on pain meds and feeling down in general...
I've been depressed for like two months because I've been having problems with a tooth, requiring a root canal, a crown, and now I have to have it extracted and have implants which cost a fortune. So, I've been on pain meds and feeling down in general...
Then, today...it was beautiful and unseasonably warm...all day long Cole kept begging to go outside, but I was tired, in pain, and the last thing I wanted to do was move. But finally I got the motivation to take Cole to the playground at his school. We played basketball, and I felt the benefits of losing nearly 100 lbs...I could move without fear, without pain, and I could laugh and enjoy physical activity with my son.
But the really awesome part was when I sat in a swing next to Cole...that it didn't hurt or I wasn't afraid that I would break the swing...and as I pushed the swing higher and looked over at Cole who was laughing his head off...I knew I'd reached a level of success that this surgery was meant to bring me...LIFE. I was living my life in the moment, enjoying every second, feeling free, feeling happy and knowing that this was absolutely the right decision for me.
I've been struggling to get to 100lbs by this Friday...but even if I don't make it...I know I did make it...and I'm going to keep going...roller coasters this summer at Cedar Point...who knows..the sky is the limit :-)
But the really awesome part was when I sat in a swing next to Cole...that it didn't hurt or I wasn't afraid that I would break the swing...and as I pushed the swing higher and looked over at Cole who was laughing his head off...I knew I'd reached a level of success that this surgery was meant to bring me...LIFE. I was living my life in the moment, enjoying every second, feeling free, feeling happy and knowing that this was absolutely the right decision for me.
I've been struggling to get to 100lbs by this Friday...but even if I don't make it...I know I did make it...and I'm going to keep going...roller coasters this summer at Cedar Point...who knows..the sky is the limit :-)
Monday, December 8, 2008
Weight Watchers
I haven't been the best at eating great things or keeping track, though I'm making a renewed effort. I had my first meeting in three weeks (cole was sick the past two mondays). I lost 1.5 lbs...wooohooo! Actually before my workshop last week, my weight was down about 3 lbs, but eating crap for three days under stress has its net effects. I'm hoping to get those back this week.
Last night I did some floor exercises...I was able to do 100 crunches, plus other toning exercises that would have hurt before, so it made me feel like I've definitely accomplished something. Exercise is a very funny thing for me...something about my peasants' body interprets it as a threat and makes me slow down or not lose weight at all. I swear I should be studied...my metabolism goes against all that's natural.
Last night I did some floor exercises...I was able to do 100 crunches, plus other toning exercises that would have hurt before, so it made me feel like I've definitely accomplished something. Exercise is a very funny thing for me...something about my peasants' body interprets it as a threat and makes me slow down or not lose weight at all. I swear I should be studied...my metabolism goes against all that's natural.
I have been researching the complications of stress and cortisol levels in the blood. Cortisol is released from stress and worrying...something I have big problems with. I read about a supplement called phosphatidyl serine, so I'm giving it a try twice a day. It's supposed to help control the negative effects of cortisol. I know I'm onto something with this. I'm also working on stress levels with meditation and journaling, mindfulness techniques. I know it can only help.
Weight watchers is a good thing...if it only keeps me honest. I have to weigh in, and I do find I'm getting more comfortable with being in groups and sharing. I used to be a real commitment phobe rebel, and would quit group stuff after a few weeks. I'm determined to stick with this one as a life support means of making this surgery "stick". I have to give it to myself as a means of healing all that is fubared between my genetic hand me downs from hell and my own neurotic issues that make me make self destructive choices.
Rambling over...carry on...
Sunday, November 30, 2008
10 MonthsPost Op
I just got a comment about not updating this in a long while. Originally I had hoped it to be monthly, but I have fallen down as you can see.
Reality of the gastric bypass surgery that your surgeon warns you about has hit me. I haven't lost any weight in over a month. I've plateaued at about 83 lbs. My stomach now holds about 1 cup of food, and due to the fact that I haven't worked the program as well as I could, I've slowed down in my weight loss.
In an effort to improve my food choices and add more accountability, I've joined weight watchers at work. However, I'll warn anyone doing this with gastric bypass it's depressing the first few weeks. It's depressing because everyone else experiences a major change/cut back in their food, but you're basically given the amount of food you're used to eating...so it is harder. I'm not sure the point system works so well with post gastric bypass folks, and unfortunately my leader has no experience.
My biggest struggle is sugar. I'm not affected negatively in the least by it...so unfortunately these holidays have been hard. I'm also a sugar addict of sorts because I use it to feel better. These are changes that I have to make on my own...no surgery will ever help me. I also know that I'm drawn to sugar for physical reasons because I have problems with seratonin in my brain. I've been reading a lot about the effect of stress on cortisol levels, and how they increase insulin in the blood stream, and thus makes the consumption of more and more carbs necessary to feel any impact on energy levels.
This has been the most stressful year of my life. When I went to decide on having the surgery, my therapist of three years said I should probably choose between my separation/divorce and the surgery and not do both. I felt like I'd gone to far in the process and needed to finish the surgery and try to improve my health. However, going through a separation, divorce, moving to a new city, changing jobs to one of the hardest jobs of my life, and finding a new love have made for some amazingly wild times. I've been guilty of mindless, careless eating. The sole benefit of the surgery for me at this point is that it limits how much I can eat.
Now I must make the changes in my life to lower my stress, decrease my sugar consumption, carb consumption, and hopefully continue my weight loss. I'm a little more than halfway to my goal. I know the next 60 lbs are going to be a fight...and it might take me a couple years to get there, but life happens, and we have to be ready to forgive ourselves for our imperfect coping mechanisms. Hopefully with awareness, more accountability, and the support of loving friends and family, I'll get there.
Reality of the gastric bypass surgery that your surgeon warns you about has hit me. I haven't lost any weight in over a month. I've plateaued at about 83 lbs. My stomach now holds about 1 cup of food, and due to the fact that I haven't worked the program as well as I could, I've slowed down in my weight loss.
In an effort to improve my food choices and add more accountability, I've joined weight watchers at work. However, I'll warn anyone doing this with gastric bypass it's depressing the first few weeks. It's depressing because everyone else experiences a major change/cut back in their food, but you're basically given the amount of food you're used to eating...so it is harder. I'm not sure the point system works so well with post gastric bypass folks, and unfortunately my leader has no experience.
My biggest struggle is sugar. I'm not affected negatively in the least by it...so unfortunately these holidays have been hard. I'm also a sugar addict of sorts because I use it to feel better. These are changes that I have to make on my own...no surgery will ever help me. I also know that I'm drawn to sugar for physical reasons because I have problems with seratonin in my brain. I've been reading a lot about the effect of stress on cortisol levels, and how they increase insulin in the blood stream, and thus makes the consumption of more and more carbs necessary to feel any impact on energy levels.
This has been the most stressful year of my life. When I went to decide on having the surgery, my therapist of three years said I should probably choose between my separation/divorce and the surgery and not do both. I felt like I'd gone to far in the process and needed to finish the surgery and try to improve my health. However, going through a separation, divorce, moving to a new city, changing jobs to one of the hardest jobs of my life, and finding a new love have made for some amazingly wild times. I've been guilty of mindless, careless eating. The sole benefit of the surgery for me at this point is that it limits how much I can eat.
Now I must make the changes in my life to lower my stress, decrease my sugar consumption, carb consumption, and hopefully continue my weight loss. I'm a little more than halfway to my goal. I know the next 60 lbs are going to be a fight...and it might take me a couple years to get there, but life happens, and we have to be ready to forgive ourselves for our imperfect coping mechanisms. Hopefully with awareness, more accountability, and the support of loving friends and family, I'll get there.
Thanksgiving was a miracle. First time I ever couldn't finish one plate of food on this holiday!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Update- 6 months Post Op
Well, I haven't been great about this blog..because, well life happens:-) New job, divorcing, new life...but at the heart of it all is my health...which is hopefully improving. I had to get a new surgeon since I moved too far from my old one. The new surgeon is nice, a Dr. Elariny, one of the best gastric bypass surgeons in the country. At my six month checkup they looked at all my bloodwork...looks like I'm only low in vitamin D (calcium) and my cholesterol is high. I'm not sure how that's possible other than I do eat a lot of meat. Considering the choices, I'd rather have high cholesterol than lose my hair or muscles.
I haven't really started a regular exercise program. Living on the fourth floor in my new apartment building seems to be a great passive exercise program. My energy levels are starting to pick up, so I'm hoping to do more.
I'm also going to see the nutritionist in October, so I'm hoping to get a little better with my protein choices before I meet her. Cut back on eating out, and do more fish and seafood. It's a no brainer really.
As far as side effects from the surgery...loose skin...sigh...I am hoping to have another baby in the next two years, but after that we're talking major nip tuck. I'm lucky I have a boyfriend who loves me no matter what, but as I see the skin sagging, it does impact my positive feelings after the surgery. But no matter what I've lost 80lbs...nothing to sniff at after six months...only 80 more to go...halfway there.
I haven't really had the courage for a full body shot...maybe soon, but here's a recent shot of me with my new hair cut I got to try to camouflage my hair thinning. I've started taking Biotin in hopes that it will boost my hair growth. We shall see...
Monday, March 31, 2008
First Dumping Experience
Well, we knew it had to happen at some point. I mean you can only play it safe for so long right? Up til now, I've only had things at work that I knew were ok, and haven't eaten anything out or questionable.
I'll just set the scene. Gorgeous spring day, 76 degrees, all set to have some seafood outside at Joes on the water. We get there and the lure of crab nachos calls to us, so we order that to share. Then I order a fish/shrimp combo. I know I won't be able to eat a tenth of it, but figure great...I'll just take it home..won't have to cook dinner! The crab is amazing. I probably eat about 5 chips with the dip on them total. By the time my meal comes I only have enough room left for a couple of the shrimp and I feel absolutely like explodesville...so I stop. I'm sitting there talking away...and I just start to feel bad. I can't describe it in terms of my old body, because it's something absolutely new. My heart starts beating faster and faster, and my friend says I'm looking flushed. I feel like maybe you'd feel before an abdominal attack...so I decide..best place to be no matter what is the bathroom. Head there, and I just feel dizzy and nothing happens from well...either end...no puke...nothing. So I head back to the table...and I just feel so bad...like I need to lie down. We amble slowly back to the office...but by the time I get to my desk, I realize there's no way in Hell I'm going to make it through the rest of the day. So I head home.
I get home, and I still dont feel like doing anything but lyign down. I'm still dizzy and nauseous. So I lay down...and finally in about two hours...I begin to feel normal. So, I'm thinking I ate too much fat...that's all I can imagine. Because I have had both crab and shrimp before...but not fried...gotta weed out the common denominators. Now my friend Michelle is permanently scared off eating out with me...haha...a minor drawback to these experiments.
Other than that...my weight loss is back on track. I dropped about 4 lbs last week, and am getting ready to pass a critical mark. I feel really good, and if I can just eat better and not screw up too much I think this whole thing will be worth it...haha. I went for my month check up with the surgeon, and he was thrilled with my progress, stating I'm already at 20% of my goal. Sometimes it takes a trip to the surgeon to make you see the bigger picture....not on the diabetes drugs, peeing, doing all that normal, and I've lost a ton of weight...so gotta count those blessings!
I'll just set the scene. Gorgeous spring day, 76 degrees, all set to have some seafood outside at Joes on the water. We get there and the lure of crab nachos calls to us, so we order that to share. Then I order a fish/shrimp combo. I know I won't be able to eat a tenth of it, but figure great...I'll just take it home..won't have to cook dinner! The crab is amazing. I probably eat about 5 chips with the dip on them total. By the time my meal comes I only have enough room left for a couple of the shrimp and I feel absolutely like explodesville...so I stop. I'm sitting there talking away...and I just start to feel bad. I can't describe it in terms of my old body, because it's something absolutely new. My heart starts beating faster and faster, and my friend says I'm looking flushed. I feel like maybe you'd feel before an abdominal attack...so I decide..best place to be no matter what is the bathroom. Head there, and I just feel dizzy and nothing happens from well...either end...no puke...nothing. So I head back to the table...and I just feel so bad...like I need to lie down. We amble slowly back to the office...but by the time I get to my desk, I realize there's no way in Hell I'm going to make it through the rest of the day. So I head home.
I get home, and I still dont feel like doing anything but lyign down. I'm still dizzy and nauseous. So I lay down...and finally in about two hours...I begin to feel normal. So, I'm thinking I ate too much fat...that's all I can imagine. Because I have had both crab and shrimp before...but not fried...gotta weed out the common denominators. Now my friend Michelle is permanently scared off eating out with me...haha...a minor drawback to these experiments.
Other than that...my weight loss is back on track. I dropped about 4 lbs last week, and am getting ready to pass a critical mark. I feel really good, and if I can just eat better and not screw up too much I think this whole thing will be worth it...haha. I went for my month check up with the surgeon, and he was thrilled with my progress, stating I'm already at 20% of my goal. Sometimes it takes a trip to the surgeon to make you see the bigger picture....not on the diabetes drugs, peeing, doing all that normal, and I've lost a ton of weight...so gotta count those blessings!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Plateauville
Well, last week I blamed it on hormones, but I'm into my second week of plateau. Since my scale adjusted...it hasn't gone down:-( I decided, maybe the problem is I'm not eating enough. I remember when I was on weight watchers, if you ate at the low end of your points scale, your body sometimes fights you on the weight loss because it's not getting enough. So now my strategy is to eat at least 2 meals a day, and do a protein supplement for the third meal. I'm hoping this works...we'll see. It also means I have to eat at work, which was a scary prospect. But I'm taking "safe" foods, and so far so good.
Today was a red letter day for me...first lunch out with friends. We chose Mexican, and I did FINE!!! Whoopee! Here was my strategy. I ordered a beef burrito with beans. I immediately cut off 1/3 of it and put the rest in a box to take home for my son for dinner (oh joy no cooking!). Then I removed questionable items that still give me issues...like lettuce...etc. I dissected the tortilla, and ate the ground beef along with the beans. I left the tortilla. I also let myself have one chip dipped in white ranch sauce...my old favorite (which would have been a basket or so of chips with the white sauce). I drank a little ice tea at the beginning and end...yes breaking the rules a bit there, but I find with beans you do need something to wash them down a bit. I stopped early and felt just fine....hallelujah!!
I've also started getting up at 5am to exercise. I'm doing every other day this week. On Monday I did 30 minute walk on the treat just fine, skipped Tues, and today I did 25 minutes of belly dancing on dvd...that stuff takes it out of you!
The plateau sucks, but one friend did remind me that 30 lbs almost 25% to my goal...so I can't be too upset. It's just weird when you know you're consuming only like 500 calories a day and not losing...sucks. I suspect my body is fighting getting below a certain point. I haven't been this small in over 4 years...so I'm thinking the old body is fighting to stay at it's setpoint. I'm hoping the shake up in my meals will get it back on track.
I posted on the weight loss support site about telling people about your Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) or not...here's what I wrote:
http://www.beforeandafterhelp.com/index.php?showtopic=38521
So I'm 5 weeks and counting. I go to the surgeon next week. I'm hoping I drop some more weight before I see him...would be great to be below that "number".
Today was a red letter day for me...first lunch out with friends. We chose Mexican, and I did FINE!!! Whoopee! Here was my strategy. I ordered a beef burrito with beans. I immediately cut off 1/3 of it and put the rest in a box to take home for my son for dinner (oh joy no cooking!). Then I removed questionable items that still give me issues...like lettuce...etc. I dissected the tortilla, and ate the ground beef along with the beans. I left the tortilla. I also let myself have one chip dipped in white ranch sauce...my old favorite (which would have been a basket or so of chips with the white sauce). I drank a little ice tea at the beginning and end...yes breaking the rules a bit there, but I find with beans you do need something to wash them down a bit. I stopped early and felt just fine....hallelujah!!
I've also started getting up at 5am to exercise. I'm doing every other day this week. On Monday I did 30 minute walk on the treat just fine, skipped Tues, and today I did 25 minutes of belly dancing on dvd...that stuff takes it out of you!
The plateau sucks, but one friend did remind me that 30 lbs almost 25% to my goal...so I can't be too upset. It's just weird when you know you're consuming only like 500 calories a day and not losing...sucks. I suspect my body is fighting getting below a certain point. I haven't been this small in over 4 years...so I'm thinking the old body is fighting to stay at it's setpoint. I'm hoping the shake up in my meals will get it back on track.
I posted on the weight loss support site about telling people about your Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) or not...here's what I wrote:
http://www.beforeandafterhelp.com/index.php?showtopic=38521
So I'm 5 weeks and counting. I go to the surgeon next week. I'm hoping I drop some more weight before I see him...would be great to be below that "number".
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